jokes_ban = new Array();
jokes_ban[1]="There was this man and when ever he got his pay check his wife would go and spend it. So one day he went to the tattoo parlor and asked to have a 100 dollar bill tattooed on his penis. So he went home and when his wife walked in the door he pulled down his pants and said,' I want to see you blow this money'!";
jokes_ban[2]="A man and his young son are in the drugstore when the son comes across the condoms and asks his father what they are. The dad replies, 'Well son, those are condoms and they're for protection when you're having sex.' The son then picks up one of the packs and asks why it has three in it. The dad replies, 'Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.' The son then picks up one with six condoms asks, 'Why six?' The dad replies, 'Well son, those are for college men. Two for Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday.' The son then notices the 12 pack of condoms and asks the same question. The dad replies, 'Son, those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March....'";
jokes_ban[3]="One day, during English class, Miss Smith asked her class, 'Who can tell me the meaning of indifferent?' The class fidgets a little, and they all look at one another. No one knows. Finally, Little Stevie puts up his hand. The teacher, hesitant to call on him because of his propensity for foul language and sexual innuendo, looks for another student to ask. Finally, when no one else raises their hand, she says, 'Yes, Stevie?' 'Miss Smith, it's means lovely.' Relieved, but a little puzzled, the teacher says, 'Stevie, can you explain why you think indifferent means lovely?' 'Sure, teach. Last night when I was in bed, I heard Mommy say, 'That's lovely'. Then Daddy said, 'Yep, it's in different.'' ";
jokes_ban[4]="Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, 'Whenever I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese.' The second mouse orders up two shots of sour mash, pounds them both, slams each glass onto the bar, turns to the first mouse and replies, 'Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up into a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day.' The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, 'I don't have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and fuck the cat.'";
jokes_ban[5]="A husband and wife were laying in bed one night. The wife got up to go to the bathroom and look in the mirrior. She complains to her husband, 'My boobs are to small!!' The husband looks at her and says,Just take toilet paper and rub them every day. As the months went by she went back to the mirror again. And said the same as before. The husband says laughing, 'It worked for your butt.' ";
jokes_ban[6]="There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench. The little girl says 'Mummy, what are they doing?'. The mother hesitates then quickly replies 'Ummm they are making cakes'. The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkies having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, making cakes. The next day the girl says to her mother 'Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night eh?'. Shocked, the Mother says 'how do you know?' She says, 'Because I licked the icing off the sofa'. ";
jokes_ban[7]="One evening, as Uncle John and his wife are entertaining guests with cocktails, they are interrupted by an out-of breath little Johnny who shouts out, 'Uncle John! Come quick! The bull is fucking the cow!' Uncle John, highly embarrassed, takes young little Johnny aside and explains that a certain decorum is required. 'You should have said, 'The bull is surprising the cow'- not some filth you picked up in the City,' he says. A few days later, little Johnny comes again as his uncle and aunt are entertaining. 'Uncle John! The bull is surprising the cows!' The adults share a knowing grin. Uncle John says, 'Thank you little Johnny, but surely you meant to say the cow, not COWS. A bull cannot 'surprise' more than one cow at a time you know.' 'Yes he can!' replies his obstinate nephew, 'He's fucking the horse!' ";
jokes_ban[8]="A young man walked up and sat down at the bar. 'What can I get you?' the bartender inquired. 'I want 6 shots of Jagermeister,' responded the young man. '6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?' 'Yeah, my first blowjob,' the man answered. 'Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house.' 'No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will.' ";
jokes_ban[9]="Taking a wee break from the golf circuit, Tiger Woods drives his new Buick Rendezvous into an Irish gas station. An attendant greets him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro is, 'Top o' the morning to ya'. As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket. 'So what are those thing my, son?' asks the attendant. 'They're called tees,' replied Tiger. 'And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?' inquired the Irishman. 'Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive,' replies Tiger. 'Aw, Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!' exclaimed the Irish attendant. 'Those fellas working for Buick think of everything!' ";
jokes_ban[10]="A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune. 'Well,' said the clerk, 'I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs !' 'Blowjobs!', the woman replied. 'It hasn't been proven, but we've sold 30 of them this month,' he said. The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no more blowjobs for her ! She bought the frog. When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again. In the middle the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks. 'What are you two doing at this hour?' she asked. The husband replied,' If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone.' ";
jokes_ban[11]="Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call. Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, 'Okay, let's get out and get him.' After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, 'The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?' The guy in the front says, 'Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself.' ";
jokes_ban[12]="There was a class and each student had to go up to the front of the class and say a sentence using one of their spelling words. First Juan goes up and his word was love so he says, 'Sara says she loves me'. Then it's Chase's turn and his word is hate. So he goes up and says, 'Sara says she hates me'. Then it's Chris's turn and his word is dictate. So he goes up to the frount of the class and says, 'Sara says my dictate good'. ";
jokes_ban[13]="Little Timmy is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little Timmy exclaims 'Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?' Daddy, relieved that Timmy's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Timmy hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Timmy cries out 'Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!'";
jokes_ban[14]="A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Jimmy passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, 'I need a man, I need a man!' Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Jimmy ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, 'Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!'";
jokes_ban[15]="One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit.<br> 'Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red.;<br> Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered 'An apple.'<br> The teacher replied, 'No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking. <br> Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy,and colored red and brownish.' Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. 'Is it a peach?' Billy asks.<br> 'No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking,' the teacher replys. 'Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard.' By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. 'A banana,' she says. 'No,' the teacher replies, 'it's a squash, but I like your thinking.' Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. 'Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it.'<br> 'Johnny!' she cries. 'That's disgusting!' <br>'Nope,' answers Johnny, 'it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!'";
jokes_ban[16]="A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women's feet, and said in a rather stern voice, 'Ginger!' The woman thought, 'this is great!' and a big smile came across her face. A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, 'dammit Ginger!' Once again the woman smiled and thought, 'yes!' A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip with a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, 'dammit Ginger, get away from her before she shits on you!'";
jokes_ban[17]="Two leprochans have a bet. To settle their bet, they take it to a convent. Mother Suprior answers the door, and says 'Oh my goodness! Its a leprochan!' The firt Leprochan replies, 'Take it easy sister, I only wanna ask you a qustion. Are there any nuns in your convent that are my size?' 'No, little man, there is no nuns in my convent that are your size.' 'Alright then. Are there any nuns in all of Ireland, that are my size?' 'No, little man, there are no nuns in all of Ireland that are your size.' 'Alright then. One more question: Are there any nuns in all of the world, that are my size?' 'No, little man, I am quite sure there are no nuns in all of the word that are your size!' 'Okay then.' The second leprochan starts laughing his ass off. But through the laughter, he manages to say 'You see, i told you fucked a penguin!'";
jokes_ban[18]="A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. 'There's no way they can catch a BMW,' he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. 'What the hell am I doing?' he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. 'It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go.' The guy thinks for a second and says, 'Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back.' 'Have a nice weekend,' said the officer. ";
jokes_ban[19]="One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt and said, 'If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose.' While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent. The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said 'You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra.' This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his penis. With a death grip in place, she said, 'You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the poolman and your brother.'";
jokes_ban[20]="Penis breath, a lover's dread <br> Is what you get when you give head <br>Unpleasant as it tends to be <br>Be grateful that he doesn't pee <br>It's times like this, you wonder why <br>You bothered reaching for his fly <br>But it's too late, can't be a tease <br>Accept the facts, get on your knees <br>You know you've got a job to do <br>So open wide and shove it through <br>Lick the tip then take it all <br>Don't drag your teeth or he might bawl <br>Slide up and down, use your tongue <br>And feel the precum start to run <br>So when the fuck's he gonna cum <br>Just, when you can't take anymore <br>You hear your lover's mighty roar <br>And when he hits that real high note <br>You feel it oozing down your throat <br>Salty, fishy, sticky, stuff <br>Okay, already that's enough <br>Let's switch you say, before you gag <br>And what revenge, you're on the rag.";
jokes_ban[21]="Police officer George and officer Mary had been assigned to walk the beat. They had only been out a short while when Mary said, 'Damn, I was running late this morning after my workout and after I showered, I forgot to put on my panties! We have to go back to the station to get them.' George replied, 'We don't have to go back, just give the K-9 unit, Fido, one sniff, and he will go fetch them for you.' It was a hot day and Mary didn't fell like heading back to the station, so she lifted her skirt for the dog. Fido's nose shoots between her legs, sniffing and snorting. After 10 seconds of sniffing, Fido's ears pick up, he sniffs the wind, and he is off in a flash towards the station house. Five minutes go by and no sign of Fido. Ten minutes pass, and the dog is nowhere to be seen. Fifteen minutes pass, and they are starting to worry. Twenty minutes pass, and they hear sirens in the distance. The sirens get louder and louder. Suddenly, followed by a dozen police cars, Fido rounds the corner with the Desk Sergeant's balls in his mouth. ";
jokes_ban[22]="A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She explained that she was a physical therapist: 'Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me!', she told him earnestly. 'Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes', he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away an laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him: 'How does that feel?' To which he replied: 'It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell.'";
jokes_ban[23]="Steve worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day and confessed to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Steve indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Steve came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. 'What's wrong, Steve?' she asked. 'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?' 'Oh, Steve, you didn't.' 'Yes, I did.' 'My God, Steve, what happened?' 'I got fired.' 'No, Steve. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?' 'Oh, she got fired too.' ";
jokes_ban[24]="An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car. As she's going down the hall, an old man jumps out of a room and says, 'Excuse me ma'am but you were speeding. Can I see your driver's license?' She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way. Up and down the halls she goes again. Again, the same old man jumps out of a room and says, 'Excuse me ma'am but I saw you cross over the center line back there. Can I see your registration please?' She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way. She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over. As she comes to the old man's room again, he jumps out. He's stark naked and has an erection! The old lady in the wheel chair looks up and says, 'Oh, no, not the Breathalyzer again!' ";
jokes_ban[25]="A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why. She told herson, 'The bigger they are the dumber the person is.' The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger 'units' than his dad. His mother replied, 'The bigger they are the dumber the person is.' Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told his mother, 'Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.'";
jokes_ban[26]="Jethro, Billybob, and Cletus were sitting on the front porch, drinking a little 'shine, and talking about their dumb ole' hillbilly wives. Jethro says 'You know, boys, my wife Ruthann is SO stupid. She went down to the store 'tother day and bought an air-conditioner! Hell, boys, we ain't got no 'lectricity!' The other two just howl with laughter. Billybob says, 'Hell, that ain't nothing -- my dumbass wife went down to the store and bought herself a washing machine! We ain't got no runnin' water!' That one nearly slayed 'em. Cletus wiped the tears from his eyes and said, 'Well, I reckon my bride's GOT to be the stupidest of the bunch, boys. 'tother day I was snooping thru her purse to find me a couple dollars to play some poker with. I found six or seven rubbers -- hell, she ain't got no dick!' ";
jokes_ban[27]="A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: 'Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Den I come one lasta time.' 'You foul-mouthed swine,' retorted the lady indignantly. 'In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!' 'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. 'Who talking abouta sexa? Imma justa tellun my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'!";
jokes_ban[28]="A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Jimmy passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, 'I need a man, I need a man!' Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Jimmy ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, 'Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!'";
jokes_ban[29]=" Little Johnny, on a day when he was being particularly reckless, was playing in the backyard one morning. Soon, some honeybees started swirling around, annoying little Johnny. He began stomping on them in his temper. His father caught him trampling the honeybees, and after a brief moment of thought said, 'That's it! No honey for you for one month!' Later that afternoon, Johnny pondered upon some butterflies, and soon started catching them and crushing them under his feet. His father again caught him, and after a brief moment of thought, said, 'No butter for you for one month!' Early that evening, Johnny's mother was cooking dinner, and got jumpy when cockroaches started scurrying around the kitchen floor. She began stomping on them one by one until all the cockroaches were dead. Johnny's mother looked up to find Johnny and his father standing there watching her. To which Johnny said, 'Are you going to tell her, daddy, or should I?' ";
jokes_ban[30]="A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he is being watched by a midget. Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guy doesn't get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small stepladder up next to him, climbs it, and proceeds to admire his privates at close range. 'Wow,' comments the midget, 'Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!' Surprised and flattered, the man thanks the midget and starts to move away. 'Listen, I know this is a rather strange request,' says the little fellow, 'but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them?' Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges the request. The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says, 'Okay, hand me your wallet or I'll jump off the ladder!' ";
jokes_ban[31]="In a mental institution, a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting as if he's driving a car. The nurse asks him, 'Charlie! What are you doing?' Charlie replied, 'Can't talk right now....I'm driving to Chicago!' The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room. The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, 'Well Charlie, how are you doing?' Charlie says, 'I'm exhausted, I just got into Chicago and I need some rest.' 'That's great,' replied the nurse, 'I'm glad you had a safe trip.' The nurse leaves Charlie's room, and goes across the hall into Fred's room, and finds Fred sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously. With suprise she asks, 'Fred what are you doing!?' To which Fred replies, 'I'm screwing Charlie's wife. He's in Chicago!' ";

function jokes()
{
    today = new Date()
    
    day = today.getDate()
    
    return(jokes_ban[day]);
}